A Day in the Life

From a 3-hour shift on the desk yesterday...

• Sorry, all copies of Breaking Dawn are checked out. Do you want to place a hold?
• Please don't bounce the basketball in here.
• We're out of pencils again.
• First library card for a 13-year-old.
• Sorry, all copies of Breaking Dawn are checked out. Do you want to place a hold?
• All of the books on your summer reading list are checked out right now.
• You need to sign in on the reservation computer.
• Don't hit your sister!
• Did that 8-year-old just give me the finger?
• Can we find quotations about chocolate?
• Sorry, all copies of Breaking Dawn are checked out. Do you want to place a hold?
• No, you can't use my cell phone.
• You can't bring your gecko into the library. Even if it's dead. Why are you carrying a dead gecko around...?
• The local alternative school assigned 200 students to read A Child Called It.
• You need to sign in on the reservation computer.
• Sorry, all copies of Breaking Dawn are checked out. Do you want to place a hold?
• Cecily Von Ziegesar
• Don't hit your cousin!
• No, nobody turned in your ipod. I'll check the lost and found.
• Press 9 to dial out
• Sorry, all copies of Breaking Dawn are checked out. Do you want to place a hold?
• Get out of that website!
• No, you can't practice your step routine in here.
• A parent wants "age appropriate" urban fiction...for her 9 year old.
• Stephenie Meyer...but all copies of Breaking Dawn are checked out. Yes, I'm sure. No, I don't need to check the catalog. No, we don't have any "in the back." Yes, I'm sure. Would you like to place a hold?

Sister's Keeper

A conversation from yesterday....

Girl (to friends): My mom said I can smack my sister if she's not good. See, watch! (Reaches to hit younger sister)
Me: You can't hit people in the library.
Girl: I can hit my sister! My mom said I can!
Me: You're not allowed to hit anyone in the library, even your sister. If you do, I'll have to ask you to leave.
Girl: Fine! I'ma tell my mom you tryin to get me to disobey her. (Walks away, muttering).

And a conversation from today....
Mother: You the woman who told my daughter she don't have to obey me?
Me: Excuse me?
Mother: Yesterday you told my daughter she can't hit her sister. Well, I told her she can! You gonna kick her out for obeying me?
Me: Ma'am, it's against the rules for anyone to hit someone else in the library. (I pull out our written rules and show her where it says that any violent behavior will not be tolerated).
Mother: Fine! I'ma have her go outside if she has to hit her sister.
Mother storms away.
I drop my head and bang it against the desk.

These Are a Few of My Favorite Things

Wow, so it's been a million years since last I posted. So how's everything going for everyone? Good? Great!

The teen department serves between 50 and 80 people on an average school day, and between 100 and 120 people on an average school holiday or summer day. We generally have to ask 1 or 2 people to leave because they're breaking our rules on a school day, and 4 or 5 people to leave on a holiday or summer day - which means that approximately 2 or 3% of the people in our department are behaving so poorly that they need to leave the library - which also means that 97 or 98% of all people are behaving fantastically and causing no problems whatsoever.

So why is it that we remember the 2% so much better than the 98%? Honestly, there are kids who come in every day whose names I don't know, but I sure know the "bad kids," the ones we talk to constantly and ask to leave frequently. Is it part of the general human tendency to remember the bad stuff?

Anyway, the purpose of this post isn't to start thinking philosophically about why we remember the annoying kids, it's to discuss some of my favorite excuses. When kids are asked to leave, they generally come up with some reason why they shouldn't actually have to leave. Some of my favorites....

"But I didn't do it." This is by far the most common excuse. It doesn't matter if I watched them do whatever it was, they'll still claim that somehow my eyes were mistaken.

"He or she made me do it!"

"Come on, give me one more chance!" If you're being asked to leave, you've already had a minimum of three chances (unless someone does something really egregious, like threating staff or starting a fight, we give three warnings before asking anyone to leave).

"You're not my mom! You can't tell me what to do!" No, I'm not your mom, and I'm very grateful for that fact. However, I can tell you what to do when you're in this building. Which you won't be, shortly.

"I can't leave because my mom is upstairs." Your mom's upstairs? Great! Let's go talk to her. I'd be happy to explain that you were smoking pot in the bathroom/making out with your significant other on the sofa/screaming loudly/doing backflips/whatever it was. Oh, she left? How surprising.

"He started it!" It's possible that this one is true some of the time. However, no matter what he said to you, picking up a table and threatening to hit him with it is not an appropriate way to deal with your problems.

"I have to stay with my cousin/brother/friend." Is this the same cousin/brother/friend that you've been ignoring for the past 2 hours? There's a bench outside that you can sit on while you wait. I'll even let you take a book or magazine to keep yourself entertained.

"You always pick on me!" No, no I don't. You continually break the rules.

"I can't get back into my house because I don't have a key." That's very unfortunate. I'd be happy to let you call someone to let you back into the house, but you still need to leave. If you can't get in touch with someone, you can wait on the bench outside until someone comes to pick you up.

"But I need to do my homework!" You've been here for 3 hours using myspace and youtube between times of running around, flirting, and yelling. Perhaps you should have done your homework first.

Back to School

Ah, the beginning of the school year. The first month or so after school goes back in session is by far our craziest, busiest time. Our department is always fairly well-used, but in the summer people come and go, making for a relatively smooth flow of traffic. During the school year, everyone comes in between 3:15 and 4:00. According to the Fire Marshall our computer lab is rated to have no more than 24 people at any one time; we regularly surpass this every day by about 3:45. Of course, we don't have enough computers, chairs, or other resources to keep all of these people occupied, so they wander aimlessly about, shouting at the top of their lungs, attempting to make out with their significant others, practicing their dance moves, or chasing each other around until we have to ask them to leave.This fall we've been implementing some structured activities like crafts and movies, which will hopefully cut down on the chaos a bit.

In addition to the sheer number of people, they're all hyped up because they've spent the past 7 hours crammed in a classroom. The least disruptive thing people do is shout and run around. The most disruptive thing - well, we've already had one fight on the library steps (it would have been IN the library, but fortunately our security guard got there in time), plus there have been rumblings about a huge fight that's planned to take place at the library sometime in the near future. Too often they'll discover some huge feud at school that follows them to the library. We just finished training on disaster preparedness, so I have visions of a West Side Story-style knife fight in my head every time two kids start yelling at each other. Of course, I doubt they'll be kind enough to couple their fighting with synchronized dance moves.

Only 2 weeks until I go on vacation.

Stupid Parent Tricks

I have come to the conclusion that I have never met a child or teen who can possibly irritate me as much as the adults, especially parents, who come in to the library.

Don't get me wrong. There are plenty of caring, involved, intelligent parents out there, many of whom I've had the privilege of meeting. Unfortunately, there's something about summer at the library that brings out all of the idiot parents. Here are just a few that I've had to deal with lately.

1) The "my child is a genius" parent. So far this summer I have had to explain to three different parents why I wouldn't register their eight or nine year olds for the teen book discussion. I don't care how high her reading level is, I'm not putting her in a discussion group with 17-year-olds. End of discussion.

2) The "my child never does anything wrong" parent. No matter what the issue is, it is always somebody else's fault. The kid who brought a knife in and threatened a staff member? Clearly the staff member shouldn't have made the kid mad! The child who pushed another child down the stairs? Obviously, the other kid should have moved faster.

3) The "she's really responsible" parent. I don't care how responsible your six year old is. You still can't leave her in the library for seven hours while you go to work. If you leave this building, I'll call child protective services. Also, a ten-year-old can't be left in charge of three toddlers and a baby. And why are all these kids in the teen department, anyway?

4) The "he needs something to do" parent. Yes, I agree that we live in an area without a lot of good services and activities for teens. However, your teen has done something which meant that we banned him or her from the library for a period of time. I will not change that banning period because she's bored, or because he "really wants to come back." Perhaps next time he or she will think twice before cursing out a staff member, damaging library property, or having sex in the stairwell.

5) The "more, more, more" parent. When we plan programs, we try to be as accommodating as possible - offering two different times for the same program, adding extra sessions, etc. If you can't make it to any of the programs, we feel bad. However, we will not schedule a special program just for you because Susie has a swim meet or a birthday party on the original day of the program.

6) The "late but whiny" parent. I can't sign your kids up for the computer program, book discussion, or the annual lock-in because they're full. We have a limited amount of space. We buy 24 books for the book discussoin, and there are 24 kids signed up. We only allow 25 teens at the lock-in, and they're already signed up. See how that works? No, I won't take someone off the list because "my son just wants to go so much!" Other kids want to go too, and they actually signed up on time. Next time, call ahead.

7) The "it's not good enough" parent. Here's the thing, lady (it's always a woman). The summer reading program takes us months to plan. We get sponsors, we plan programs, and we work our butts off so your kid can have a good time. And it's completely free for you. So if you come in ONE MORE TIME and complain that the prizes are "crap," the books you want aren't here, and the library is too full of "dirty little kids," I am going to do something drastic. If you don't want our "cheap, crappy prizes," don't sign up. There, see how easy that was?

Bratty Girl

Some people are very angry.

Last night, one of my co-workers told a girl who does not have permission to use the Internet that she couldn't share a computer with her friend who does have that permission. The girl refused to leave, so I got the pleasure of talking to her. She was informed that she needed to leave the computer lab or she would be asked to leave for the day. Her response?

"Shut da fuck up, bitch. Get out of ma face."

This is, of course, not the first time I've been sworn at. It's not exactly a frequent occurrence, but probably one out of every ten or fifteen people who get told to leave the library decide to swear at and insult either me or the library on their way out. It's pretty rare, however, that people get to that point after a conversation of one sentence.

I always wonder about people like that, people who are so entirely rude to pretty much everyone they meet. Do they get results with that kind of language and attitude elsewhere in life? What benefit do they derive from it? What possible good can come out of being such a jerk?

As for this girl, I don't know if she honestly thought I was going to turn around and leave after her statement, but what actually happened is that she got escorted out of the library. As she continued to swear at, insult, and threaten me (she said she was going to "come back and meet me later" if I insisted on walking her out), she also got banned for six months.

Annoying Customers: Hyena Girl

Friday afternoons are traditionally the quietest day at the library, and last week was no exception. On Friday, there were perhaps 9 people using the teen department, all quietly and intently focused on myspace and runescape. The few conversations were held at the level of a whisper, as everyone knows that if they're quiet and well-behaved on Fridays, I'll give them an extra 15 minutes of computer time at the end of the day and perhaps some type of cookie or other treat (my boss calls it bribery, I call it positive reinforcement. Either way, it works).

Suddenly, from the top of the stairs, we hear it. The echoing sound is so loud that literally every person in the computer lab jumps. I look up, and realize that we have a Hyena Girl.

Hyena Girls are most often found in their native habitat of shopping malls or other retail establishments, rarely venturing into the library. The Hyena Girl appears normal, perhaps even soft spoken, until she finds something funny. Once she does, she emits a sound that is a cross between a hysterical hyena and The Joker in the 1960s Batman TV show.

This particular girl not only had the hyena laugh, she was also on one of those Nextel walkie-talkie phones, which allow us to hear both sides of the conversation. Hyena Girl came down the stairs, cackling madly the entire time, then screamed into the phone.

I approached her. "You'll need to keep it down or take your conversation outside."

Dirty look. Hyena Laugh. Continued shrieking into the phone.

"Your conversation is too loud. Please take it outside."

"The libary lady says I gotta stop talking. Bye."

I returned to my seat in the computer lab. Thirty seconds later, a blast of hip-hop music from the phone.

"You need to keep the music off, please."

Dirty look. Another blast of music.

"If I have to talk to you again, you're going to have to leave."

I returned to my chair. I hear a final blast of music. As I rise, the Hyena Girl races up the stairs, cackling wildly.

One of our regulars starts laughing. "Wow, I guess she showed you! It really proves how cool you are when you run away!"

A second regular chimes in. "What a loser. Her laugh sounds like a hyena."

Everyone in the computer lab starts laughing at the Hyena Girl. I give them all Oreos.

The Storm Has Arrived

The calm times at our library are officially over, and the teens are apparently feeling especially rambunctious to make up for the week of peace and quiet. Monday was busy but everyone was relatively well-behaved. On Tuesday, someone accidentally (?) sprayed pepper spray in the teen computer lab, necessitating our evacuation of the teen department. Fortunately no one was made ill, as we got every one out quickly.

Yesterday we had more excitement. A teen who had been previously banned from the library for one year decided to come back in. Since he had been banned for threatening and yelling at one of our staff members, that staff member waited until I came in to deal with him. I gave him another copy of his banning letter and escorted him out of the building. He left peacefully enough, and I returned to my desk thinking "wow, that was strangely easy."

Why do I test the library gods like this? Thinking "that's easy" inevitably means that something is going to go wrong very very soon.

Sure enough, about two minutes later I got a call from the Children's Department that our friend had returned. He screamed and swore at the manager of Children's, raced through the building, ran outside and threw things at the windows, and knocked over our book drop. For some reason, the Children's staff were trying to reason with him. I simply called the police.

He left by the time the officer arrived, but we're filing trespassing charges against him. I'm sure his parents will be thrilled when they receive the notice.

I wonder what fun I'll have today.

Annoying Customers: The Broken Parrot

Some members of my staff and I were talking about our least favorite customers, and I realized that most of the kids who annoy us can be broken down into a few types. I also realized that for most of the kids, I am actually less annoyed than amused, and that the hardest part of my job is keeping a straight face when they go off onto their rants.

Anyway, for today.....the Broken Parrot.

The Broken Parrot is almost always a girl between the ages of 13 and 15. She usually has an elaborate hairdo, frequently a weave or extensions, and nearly always has large hoop earrings, too much makeup, and long claw-like acrylic nails. The Broken Parrot is nearly always trailed by two or more friends who say nothing.

The main characteristic of the Broken Parrot is that she never says anything original, just repeats instructions or conversations of others in a loud, mocking voice, while changing instructions given to her into questions aimed at someone else. For example....

Staff: There are only two people allowed at each computer. Please find something else to do.
Broken Parrot: What if I don't want to find something else to do? Why don't you find something else to do?
Staff: If you don't go sit down, you'll be asked to leave.
BP: What if I don't want to sit down? Why don't you go sit down?
S: It's time for you to leave now.
BP: What if I don't want to leave? Why don't you leave?
S: You need to leave, or I'll call someone to escort you out.
BP: Why don't you get escorted out?

By this time, we're into the hardest part of my job....not responding in kind. I always have an intense desire to begin mocking the girl by either repeating everything she says, or just laughing in her face. I don't do either, of course, but sometimes it's a hard battle to win.

Next time: The Wannabe Gangsta!

What Do You Mean, It's Not Appropriate for My Four Year Old?

Last night, we had a talent show for teens. We had a wonderful turnout, although I was surprised at how many people brought their entire families with them. Normally we only allow teens at teen events, but I did make an exception last night since everybody wants to see his or her kid perform. I did have one conversation, however, that reminded me of why we normally keep adults out.

Angry Father: That other girl (one of my staff members) told me that this might not be okay for my four year old!
Snarky Librarian: That's true...
AF [cutting me off]: That's ridiculous! Are you telling me that kids might curse? This is a library! Don't you have standards? I'm going to write a letter to somebody!
SN: Sir, all of our performers were given guidelines, and inappropriate performances are not allowed. However --
AF: I'm writing a letter to someone! What if some kid stands up and is all grabbing his junk? [standing up to demonstrate - what the hell?] You going to let that happen?
SN: Sir, inappropriate performances will be stopped. However --
AF: I'm writing a letter! Cursing at the library! I'm writing a letter!
SN: Sir, what is appropriate for a sixteen year old is different from what is appropriate for a four year old. I can't guarantee -
AF: I'm writing a letter to someone! The library is about education! Anything you do should be okay for everyone!
SN: Sir, this was specifically advertised as a teen event. If you feel that it is not appropriate for your four year old, my best recommendation is that you not expose her to it. Is there anything else I can help you with right now?
AF [wandering away]: I'm writing a letter to someone...[mutters to self].

My favorite threat - a letter to the mysterious "someone." Why do people insist on dragging their young children to everything? Who would have imagined that a teen event might not be appropriate for a four year old? I know I'm dumbfounded by the very idea!

Later, the winner of the talent show was a very obviously, openly gay guy who danced to a Christina Aguilera song. I overheard Mr. Appropriate telling everyone in earshot that it was wrong for a "fucking fag" to win. Yes, his four-year-old was right there as he swore.

I really hope that he includes that in his "letter to someone."