A Day in the Life

From a 3-hour shift on the desk yesterday...

• Sorry, all copies of Breaking Dawn are checked out. Do you want to place a hold?
• Please don't bounce the basketball in here.
• We're out of pencils again.
• First library card for a 13-year-old.
• Sorry, all copies of Breaking Dawn are checked out. Do you want to place a hold?
• All of the books on your summer reading list are checked out right now.
• You need to sign in on the reservation computer.
• Don't hit your sister!
• Did that 8-year-old just give me the finger?
• Can we find quotations about chocolate?
• Sorry, all copies of Breaking Dawn are checked out. Do you want to place a hold?
• No, you can't use my cell phone.
• You can't bring your gecko into the library. Even if it's dead. Why are you carrying a dead gecko around...?
• The local alternative school assigned 200 students to read A Child Called It.
• You need to sign in on the reservation computer.
• Sorry, all copies of Breaking Dawn are checked out. Do you want to place a hold?
• Cecily Von Ziegesar
• Don't hit your cousin!
• No, nobody turned in your ipod. I'll check the lost and found.
• Press 9 to dial out
• Sorry, all copies of Breaking Dawn are checked out. Do you want to place a hold?
• Get out of that website!
• No, you can't practice your step routine in here.
• A parent wants "age appropriate" urban fiction...for her 9 year old.
• Stephenie Meyer...but all copies of Breaking Dawn are checked out. Yes, I'm sure. No, I don't need to check the catalog. No, we don't have any "in the back." Yes, I'm sure. Would you like to place a hold?

Sister's Keeper

A conversation from yesterday....

Girl (to friends): My mom said I can smack my sister if she's not good. See, watch! (Reaches to hit younger sister)
Me: You can't hit people in the library.
Girl: I can hit my sister! My mom said I can!
Me: You're not allowed to hit anyone in the library, even your sister. If you do, I'll have to ask you to leave.
Girl: Fine! I'ma tell my mom you tryin to get me to disobey her. (Walks away, muttering).

And a conversation from today....
Mother: You the woman who told my daughter she don't have to obey me?
Me: Excuse me?
Mother: Yesterday you told my daughter she can't hit her sister. Well, I told her she can! You gonna kick her out for obeying me?
Me: Ma'am, it's against the rules for anyone to hit someone else in the library. (I pull out our written rules and show her where it says that any violent behavior will not be tolerated).
Mother: Fine! I'ma have her go outside if she has to hit her sister.
Mother storms away.
I drop my head and bang it against the desk.

A Little Gossip

It has been very, very quiet in the teen department lately. We usually slow down for a few weeks in March, but it picks up again in the beginning of April. Thus far, it hasn't picked up again. People are being quiet, polite, and friendly, all of which are enjoyable at work but don't really make it easy to snark.

Prior to our quiet time, I was receiving a lot of those special threats and annoying statements that library patrons are so good at. I've also had quite a few of those questions that prove that the statement "There are no stupid questions - just stupid people" is absolutely true. I believe I've mentioned before that one of the hardest parts of my job is keeping my mouth shut and not letting my sarcastic answers out. Luckily, I can let them all out here.

My favorites:

The patron: "Do you have any books?"
What I want to say: "No - all of those things on the shelves around you are just props."

The patron: "I'm going to tell my mom/dad/grandma on you!"
What I want to say: "Awesome! I'd love to talk to them about how you make out with your girlfriend in the bathroom."

The patron: "I pay your salary!"
What I want to say: "Actually, our library gets less than 50% of our funding through tax money, and of that, your personal tax dollars probably account for about 12 cents. I'll happily refund your 12 cents if you shut the hell up and go away.

The patron: "No wonder nobody comes here!"
What I want to say: "So the 45 people in the teen department are all figments of my imagination?"

The patron: "I'm never coming back!"
When they say it: When they're getting escorted out for misbehaving.
What I want to say: So...I'll see you tomorrow, then?

Weed Got Me Crazy

Sometimes I read stories about people who call the police after their drugs were stolen, or who get pulled over for speeding while they're transporting mass quantities of cocaine, and I wonder "how can people be that dumb?" So it was with surprise that I had the following encounter last week.

One of our regular customers came up, looking really stressed out. After a few moments of casual conversation, he asked if he could speak to me privately. We went into my office.

Me: "What's up?"
Him (mumbling): "Um, I think I lost something."
Me: "Okay, can you describe it for me?"
Him: "Um...it's, like, a baggie. With, um, some green stuff."
Me: "What?"
Him: "Um, it kinda looks like oregano."
Me: "Are you actually asking me if someone turned in your marijuana?"
Him: "No!" He looked at the ceiling. "Um, did they?"
Me: "I really couldn't return illegal drugs if someone turned them in."
Him: "What? Why?"
At a complete loss for words, I stared at him for a few seconds.
Him: "Um, just kidding! Ha ha ha!"(runs out of the office)

I have to wonder - did he honestly think that I would hand him a bag of marijuana? I suppose it's nice that he trusts me, but in what universe is it okay to ask the librarian if someone turned in your weed?

Incidentally, someone did turn in the weed later that day, and we tossed it in the trash can.

All the Small Things

Over the past week or so, my department has been going on one of our semi-annual binges where we clean and organize everything in the office. J, my fabulous assistant, actually does a lot of cleaning and organizing on a regular basis, but every few months she goes through the dozens of boxes that we have in the office, puts all of the craft supplies, prizes, random papers, leftover books, and assorted junk into some type of logical order, and labels everything. During her mad cleaning spree this time, J discovered that for some unknown reason, we have no fewer than 5 "lost and found" boxes, including one that was clearly left from last winter (it contains coats and gloves). We've been having a lot of fun digging through them.

My staff members are often surprised by the things that they find in the lost and found box, asking themselves how our customers can be so careless. I am also surprised by the bizarre things that wind up in the box, but for two reasons. Although you'd think I would be immune to the carelessness of teens, I still do not understand how one forgets a winter coat when it's below freezing, a single shoe, or an ipod. The second reason I am surprised is that in order for something to get in the lost and found box, a member of my staff has to pick it up, put a label with the date on it, carry it into the office, and put it in the designated area.

What we've found so far....

Several textbooks.
A single shoe.
Several pieces of jewelry.
3 winter coats.
A pair of pantyhose.
The aforementioned ipod.
A rose made from duct tape (this one is pretty cool, actually, and I'm going to keep it on my desk).
A garage door opener.
Several sets of keys.
A cat teaser.
Half a pack of gum.
2 cell phones.
Various types of sporting equipment.
A switchblade.
An opened bar of soap.
A bikini top.
$52 in cash.
Several uncashed paychecks.

We still have three boxes to go, so I'm sure there will be more random objects as the week continues.

Anything But Ordinary

Every fall, we do library card drives with local middle and high schools. Making library cards makes me feel incredibly old, as I'm forced to realize that people who were born the year I graduated from high school are now in middle school or high school themselves. Besides the constant feeling that I'm ancient, though, the thing that most sticks with me about making library cards is that so many of the kids have names that really make me wonder what their parents were thinking. In addition to the "creative" spellings that have almost become common (Crystal/Krystle/Kristal or (Jenifer/Jenniffer/Genniffer), names seem to fall into a few broad categories. To quote Dave Barry - I'm not making these up.

Cars and Other Brand Names
Lexus, Corvette, Ford, Celica, Porsche, Jetta, Chardonnay, Bacardi, Chanel

Places
Vegas, America/Amerika, Ireland,

"Unique" Names That Aren't
There are at least 3 people with each of these names who have library cards in our system
Unique, Princess, Queen, Charisma, Special, King, Divine

Bad Role Models
Judas, Adolf, Charlie Manson, Salome

Stripper Names
Bambi, Sugar, Kitty Kat, Bunny, Princess, Sassy, Peaches

Why Do Their Parents Hate Them?
Sugar and Candy Kane, Dick Stroker, Max Dick, Chlamydia, Harry Cox, Harry Beaver,

As Cool as I Am

We're in the process of doing strategic planning for teen services both at my library and in the county. Overall, I've really enjoyed the strategic planning process, and I'll discuss it more in future posts, but I did die a little inside when someone asked the question I loathe. I hear it all the time, read it in journals and on blogs, have been on at least one panel discussing it at a conference. Whenever I give a presentation, someone in the audience will ask this question. It's very rare that anyone likes my answer.

The question: "How can we make teens think we're cool?"

My unpopular answer: We can't.

Librarians in general seem to have some major desire to make the world think that we're "hip," as with the articles in the New York Times and elsewhere about the New York Hipster Librarians. Why is this? I know quite a few people who work in various IT jobs, and they don't sit around worrying that they're seen as geeks. They embrace their geekiness and joke about it. Do doctors, lawyers, social workers, project managers - pick a career - do any of them put out press releases describing their leisure activities? Why do librarians? Here's the thing - once you start screaming "I'm cool" from the rooftops, you've guaranteed that no one will ever find you cool again.

It's even more unlikely that anyone attempting to be "cool" will be seen as such when working with teenagers. Teen cultures (and there are many, not just one monolithic "Teen Culture," which is another of my pet peeves that I'll get into later) change frequently. By the time something becomes obvious to adults, it's probably already passe. If you honestly enjoy reading the books, listening to the music, watching "High School Musical 2," hanging out in the mosh pit, snowboarding, skateboarding, buying jewelry at Claire's, seeing teen sex comedies, texting, creating a myspace or facebook, or doing any of the other millions of things that make up parts of teen culture...good for you. But if you do those things because you think "Oh,this is the new cool thing," you've already lost all credibility.

Here's another sad truth that the well-meaning people in our strategic planning sessions don't realize. We're old. Even if we're only in our mid-20s, or early 30s, we're still old. The best we can hope for is that we'll be seen as "not that old." I once had a teen tell me that I must have enjoyed doing something during "my childhood in the 60s." When I pointed out to him that I wasn't born until the late 70s, he thought about it for a second, then shrugged and said, "To tell the truth, once you're over about 25 you all seem the same to me." I threw a pencil at him, but when I remember my own teenage years, I do remember classifying people into a few large categories: little kids, kids, teens, college students, adults, and old people. It was incredibly rare for an adult to fall into the "cool" category. The ones who did were the ones who treated me with respect and seemed to enjoy their own lives - not the ones who desperately tried too hard.

During strategic planning, and in general, there are a lot of questions I want to see asked. How can our department be relevant? What do we provide that serves the needs of our users? What do they need or want, and how do we determine that? What are we doing well? What should we be doing? What should we stop doing? What place do we have in the community? These are all questions that I think are vital and should be asked over and over again. Do libraries have a place in the lives of teenagers? I believe that we do (at least, I certainly hope so). Does "being cool" help us find that place? Not in the slightest.

"Cool" is ephemeral. Friendly, useful, helpful, fun, caring, respectful, dependable, thoughtful, passionate, inviting, positive, kind - those are the words that should be important. Those are the words I want people to use when they're thinking about the library. Those are the words that last.

Back to School

Ah, the beginning of the school year. The first month or so after school goes back in session is by far our craziest, busiest time. Our department is always fairly well-used, but in the summer people come and go, making for a relatively smooth flow of traffic. During the school year, everyone comes in between 3:15 and 4:00. According to the Fire Marshall our computer lab is rated to have no more than 24 people at any one time; we regularly surpass this every day by about 3:45. Of course, we don't have enough computers, chairs, or other resources to keep all of these people occupied, so they wander aimlessly about, shouting at the top of their lungs, attempting to make out with their significant others, practicing their dance moves, or chasing each other around until we have to ask them to leave.This fall we've been implementing some structured activities like crafts and movies, which will hopefully cut down on the chaos a bit.

In addition to the sheer number of people, they're all hyped up because they've spent the past 7 hours crammed in a classroom. The least disruptive thing people do is shout and run around. The most disruptive thing - well, we've already had one fight on the library steps (it would have been IN the library, but fortunately our security guard got there in time), plus there have been rumblings about a huge fight that's planned to take place at the library sometime in the near future. Too often they'll discover some huge feud at school that follows them to the library. We just finished training on disaster preparedness, so I have visions of a West Side Story-style knife fight in my head every time two kids start yelling at each other. Of course, I doubt they'll be kind enough to couple their fighting with synchronized dance moves.

Only 2 weeks until I go on vacation.

Overheard Conversations 2: Electric Boogaloo

One of the things adults often complain about with teenagers is that teens tend to carry on conversations at the level of a shout. Personally, I love that about teens, because it allows me to overhear some incredibly entertaining conversations. Some of the conversations leave me highly amused, others leave me really wanting to know more, and more leave me deeply confused.

Girl: I don't think I could do that for money.
Guy: So what would you do it for?
Girl: Just, like, the glory.

Boy (to friends): Let's go over by the bathroom and get high!
Me: I can hear you.
Boy (in whisper): Let's go over to the bathroom and get high!
Me: (calls security)

Girl: I need something to read. You got any ideas?
Girl's Friend: You in a library!
Girl: So? You think they got any movies?

Girl: Where'd he get a goat, anyway? I mean, who has a goat? Do you just, like, walk into a farm and ask for a goat?

Sweet-looking fourteen-year-old girl: Do you ever think about how many ways you could kill somebody?

Guy # 1: If you could have any superpower, what would it be?
Guy # 2: I'd want to read minds. What about you?
Guy # 1: I'd want to be a robot.
Guy # 2: How is being a robot - never mind.

Girl # 1: So then I was like, 'no!' and he was like 'you know?' and I was like 'no!' You know what I mean?
Girl # 2: Totally.

Guy: What are you doing this weekend?
Girl # 1: I dunno. Probably washing the rabbit.
Girl # 2: Is that, like, a euphemism for masturbation?

Bittersweet Symphony

This summer has been a difficult one for me. In addition to the fact that I hate SRC, as mentioned in my previous post, I have been trying to forget that 5 of my primary TAB members have graduated and are leaving at the end of the summer. CB, current co-president of TAB, has been my assistant in a computer program that we run for younger kids since he was 13. Tonight was his last night doing that program, and I now have to face the fact that they're really leaving.

We have graduations every year, of course, and I miss all of the teens who have worked with me, but this year is especially hard. 4 of the 5 teens who are leaving this year have been working with me for 5 years. They were there when I started TAB, and have been an integral part of running it, serving as officers, creating programs, and providing guidance to the younger members. All of them have been summer employees, and two have been worked for me year-round since we opened the teen department in October 2005. Five years is an incredibly long time in the life of a teenager, and that they've spent so long with me and at the library - well, the way it makes me feel actually defies description. I've literally watched them grow up from goofy 13-year-olds to mature, responsible, intelligent 18-year-olds (who are, let's face it, still goofy). I look forward to seeing the adults they'll become, because they're all pretty amazing as young adults, and I can only imagine that they'll just keep improving as they grow older.

I'm proud of them all, but man am I going to miss them.

Questions from Parents

I actually do enjoy talking to the parents of teens. Many of the teens who come in to the library appear to have been raised by wolves, so it’s nice when a parent is interested and involved in their teen's life. However, some of their questions can be, well…..

“I want a book for my fifteen-year-old. It should be teen book, but without sex or violence, and the kid should get along with her parents.”

“Can you make sure my daughter doesn’t talk to any boys?”

"Why did my son get kicked out? He only hit his sister!"
"Hitting people is not allowed in the library."
"But it was only his sister!"

“I need a book with no conflict.”

“Are there any Harry Potter books without magic?”

“I don’t mind fantasy in books, but I don’t like evil. Do you understand the difference?”

"My son was here for three hours yesterday. Tell me everything he did and everyone he talked to.”

“Do you have any adult movies?”
“Yes, they’re up on the first fl-"
“No, I mean, you know, adult movies. Like, in a different section?”

Bratty Girl

Some people are very angry.

Last night, one of my co-workers told a girl who does not have permission to use the Internet that she couldn't share a computer with her friend who does have that permission. The girl refused to leave, so I got the pleasure of talking to her. She was informed that she needed to leave the computer lab or she would be asked to leave for the day. Her response?

"Shut da fuck up, bitch. Get out of ma face."

This is, of course, not the first time I've been sworn at. It's not exactly a frequent occurrence, but probably one out of every ten or fifteen people who get told to leave the library decide to swear at and insult either me or the library on their way out. It's pretty rare, however, that people get to that point after a conversation of one sentence.

I always wonder about people like that, people who are so entirely rude to pretty much everyone they meet. Do they get results with that kind of language and attitude elsewhere in life? What benefit do they derive from it? What possible good can come out of being such a jerk?

As for this girl, I don't know if she honestly thought I was going to turn around and leave after her statement, but what actually happened is that she got escorted out of the library. As she continued to swear at, insult, and threaten me (she said she was going to "come back and meet me later" if I insisted on walking her out), she also got banned for six months.

Teenagers Are Great!

When I tell people what I do for a living, many of them reply with something like "Wow, teens. That must be really hard!" Others say something like "How can you work with teens? They're so disrespectful/loud/obnoxious/fill in your preferred derogatory term here."

I wish those people could have been at my library today. We closed the library for the day to have a 7-hour program dedicated only to serving teens. We had workshops on interesting topics such as film making, college preparation, jewelry making, and others, as well as a career festival, a presentation by a YA author, raffle prizes, and a band performance. We had students from 9 different high schools (half of the districts in our County). The reviews from the participants have been great; the students had a chance to experience something they probably wouldn't have gotten to do without their library.

Even more important than the good feelings from participants, this program was a showcase of the dedication and leadership of our Teen Advisory Board. TAB members planned this entire event. The planning process started over 6 months ago. Members of TAB created the budget, planned the workshop, contacted performers, dealt with all of the pre-event publicity, talked to schools to get their students to come, and took care of all of the myriad issues that need to be handled to pull off a major event.

Last night, TAB members came in after the library closed to help set up for the event (we had workshops in every meeting room and several public spaces). Today, they served as hosts and emcees, helped out in the workshops, served as guides to their fellow students, and generally made the event run. Everyone on TAB did a truly remarkable and amazing job. I was truly awe-inspired by the leadership ability and dedication showed by the members of our TAB.

I'll be back with the snark later. Right now, I just want to think about how amazing all of the teens I know are, and how thrilled and grateful I am to have the opportunity to help guide them to things like today.

Brief Update

For the past 6 months, I've been working on the biggest program of my career. The last two weeks have been awful. From performers suddenly backing out to the fear that I wouldn't have enough teens to attend, my days have been spent calling people, chewing my fingernails, scrambling to fill unexpected holes in the schedule, and having brief fantasies of public humiliation.

The program takes place on Wednesday. Wish me luck.

Annoying Customers: Hyena Girl

Friday afternoons are traditionally the quietest day at the library, and last week was no exception. On Friday, there were perhaps 9 people using the teen department, all quietly and intently focused on myspace and runescape. The few conversations were held at the level of a whisper, as everyone knows that if they're quiet and well-behaved on Fridays, I'll give them an extra 15 minutes of computer time at the end of the day and perhaps some type of cookie or other treat (my boss calls it bribery, I call it positive reinforcement. Either way, it works).

Suddenly, from the top of the stairs, we hear it. The echoing sound is so loud that literally every person in the computer lab jumps. I look up, and realize that we have a Hyena Girl.

Hyena Girls are most often found in their native habitat of shopping malls or other retail establishments, rarely venturing into the library. The Hyena Girl appears normal, perhaps even soft spoken, until she finds something funny. Once she does, she emits a sound that is a cross between a hysterical hyena and The Joker in the 1960s Batman TV show.

This particular girl not only had the hyena laugh, she was also on one of those Nextel walkie-talkie phones, which allow us to hear both sides of the conversation. Hyena Girl came down the stairs, cackling madly the entire time, then screamed into the phone.

I approached her. "You'll need to keep it down or take your conversation outside."

Dirty look. Hyena Laugh. Continued shrieking into the phone.

"Your conversation is too loud. Please take it outside."

"The libary lady says I gotta stop talking. Bye."

I returned to my seat in the computer lab. Thirty seconds later, a blast of hip-hop music from the phone.

"You need to keep the music off, please."

Dirty look. Another blast of music.

"If I have to talk to you again, you're going to have to leave."

I returned to my chair. I hear a final blast of music. As I rise, the Hyena Girl races up the stairs, cackling wildly.

One of our regulars starts laughing. "Wow, I guess she showed you! It really proves how cool you are when you run away!"

A second regular chimes in. "What a loser. Her laugh sounds like a hyena."

Everyone in the computer lab starts laughing at the Hyena Girl. I give them all Oreos.

The Storm Has Arrived

The calm times at our library are officially over, and the teens are apparently feeling especially rambunctious to make up for the week of peace and quiet. Monday was busy but everyone was relatively well-behaved. On Tuesday, someone accidentally (?) sprayed pepper spray in the teen computer lab, necessitating our evacuation of the teen department. Fortunately no one was made ill, as we got every one out quickly.

Yesterday we had more excitement. A teen who had been previously banned from the library for one year decided to come back in. Since he had been banned for threatening and yelling at one of our staff members, that staff member waited until I came in to deal with him. I gave him another copy of his banning letter and escorted him out of the building. He left peacefully enough, and I returned to my desk thinking "wow, that was strangely easy."

Why do I test the library gods like this? Thinking "that's easy" inevitably means that something is going to go wrong very very soon.

Sure enough, about two minutes later I got a call from the Children's Department that our friend had returned. He screamed and swore at the manager of Children's, raced through the building, ran outside and threw things at the windows, and knocked over our book drop. For some reason, the Children's staff were trying to reason with him. I simply called the police.

He left by the time the officer arrived, but we're filing trespassing charges against him. I'm sure his parents will be thrilled when they receive the notice.

I wonder what fun I'll have today.

Job Applications

Summer is coming (although you wouldn't know it by the 30 degree weather and snow), so we have started getting applications from teens looking for summer jobs. We typically hire four or five teens over the summer, and receive several dozen applications. Below are several tips that I wish that someone, somewhere, had shared with our intrepid job hunters.

1) When applying for a job, it is generally a good idea to put your full name on the application. This does not mean your "street" name, but the name that your mother gave you the day you were born.

2) If you have neither a phone number nor an email address, it is very difficult for me to contact you for an interview.

3) If I have kicked you out repeatedly for swearing at other patrons and looking at pornography, it seems unlikely that I will now hire you.

4) The correct spelling of our place of business is "library."

5) "Because I need money" is not a good response to the question "Describe why you want to work here or why you love libraries."

6) Just because you have been arrested, it doesn't mean I won't hire you. If, however, your arrest was for stealing from the library, your chances of getting hired may be slightly lower.

7) If you're old enough to have a job, you're old enough to fill out the application yourself. Sending your mother in to do it does not impress me.

8) "Because my boss sucked" is not an appropriate answer to the question "Why did you leave your last job?"

9) If you are 15 with no job experience, no one is going to pay you $10.00/hour.

Overheard Conversations

When I'm working at the desk in the teen area, or in my office with the door open, I often hear teens carrying out "private" conversations. I put private in quotes because these conversations are often carried out at the level of a shout, despite the fact that other people are less than two feet away. Some of my favorite conversations from yesterday....

Guy to Girl: Let's go somewhere else. All these books make me feel dumb.
Girl to Guy: Ain't the books that make you seem dumb.
Guy: What's that mean?
Girl: You dumb!

Girl on Cellphone: Girl, if that rat's still in my house when I get home I'm letting the cat have it. **pause** I don't care if it's your pet, get rid of it!

Guy to Girl: Why you gotta be so mean? You know I love you!
Girl: Dude, you're my cousin.

My personal favorite overheard conversation EVER. First, a bit of background. We often have spontaneous craft days in the teen area when it's particularly busy or when the teens seem especially bored. One of the favorite activities is bead jewelry making. We put out stretchy cord and a variety of beads and let them have at it - some of them are amazingly talented and make beautiful pieces; others make things that are less attractive but everyone has fun.

During one of these events, a group of regulars sat down. These kids are between the ages of 13 and 14 and desperately want everyone to believe that they're gangstas. Real gangstas laugh at them, so they spend their time talking tough in the library.

Since they spend so much time trying to act tough, it was something of a surprise to see them happily making bracelets with hemp and alphabet beads. The ringleader of the group approached his friends, and the following conversation took place:

Ringleader: C'mon, yo. Let's go!
Beading Guy: Just a minute, I gotta finish this.
Ringleader: Man, what are you doing? You makin a bracelet?
Beading Guy: Yeah. Wanna make one?
Ringleader: Man, that's not gangsta!
Beading Guy: It's fun.
Second Beading Guy: Yeah, sit down and make something.
Ringleader: That's not gangsta, yo! Come on!
His friends ignore him
Ringleader: How we gonna be gangsta if you be makin a bracelet, yo?
Snarky Librarian (Chokes hysterical laughter into a cough)
Ringleader (sitting down): They got any purple?

The Calm Before the Storm?

This week has been ridiculously quiet. All of the teens at the library were well-behaved and friendly. One of our regulars brought me a picture she'd drawn because she thought I'd enjoy it. Another volunteered to help cut things, while yet another turned off the computers each night and helped organize and straighten the room before he left.

I'm not really sure how to handle this. Are they all planning something horrible for the future? Have they all been secretly replaced by aliens? Is it some elaborate April Fools prank that has gone on too long?

I'm so confused.

Annoying Customers: The Broken Parrot

Some members of my staff and I were talking about our least favorite customers, and I realized that most of the kids who annoy us can be broken down into a few types. I also realized that for most of the kids, I am actually less annoyed than amused, and that the hardest part of my job is keeping a straight face when they go off onto their rants.

Anyway, for today.....the Broken Parrot.

The Broken Parrot is almost always a girl between the ages of 13 and 15. She usually has an elaborate hairdo, frequently a weave or extensions, and nearly always has large hoop earrings, too much makeup, and long claw-like acrylic nails. The Broken Parrot is nearly always trailed by two or more friends who say nothing.

The main characteristic of the Broken Parrot is that she never says anything original, just repeats instructions or conversations of others in a loud, mocking voice, while changing instructions given to her into questions aimed at someone else. For example....

Staff: There are only two people allowed at each computer. Please find something else to do.
Broken Parrot: What if I don't want to find something else to do? Why don't you find something else to do?
Staff: If you don't go sit down, you'll be asked to leave.
BP: What if I don't want to sit down? Why don't you go sit down?
S: It's time for you to leave now.
BP: What if I don't want to leave? Why don't you leave?
S: You need to leave, or I'll call someone to escort you out.
BP: Why don't you get escorted out?

By this time, we're into the hardest part of my job....not responding in kind. I always have an intense desire to begin mocking the girl by either repeating everything she says, or just laughing in her face. I don't do either, of course, but sometimes it's a hard battle to win.

Next time: The Wannabe Gangsta!