Consider Yourself

So apparently Wednesday was "Work Like a Patron Day." I thought this was such a good idea that I spent the day...

Chowing down on food at the computers
Chasing the other staff members around
Fighting over the comfy chairs
Arguing with friends and strangers
Randomly turning off computers
Tossing magazines on the floor
Yelling and swearing

Best day I've had in years.

A Day in the Life

From a 3-hour shift on the desk yesterday...

• Sorry, all copies of Breaking Dawn are checked out. Do you want to place a hold?
• Please don't bounce the basketball in here.
• We're out of pencils again.
• First library card for a 13-year-old.
• Sorry, all copies of Breaking Dawn are checked out. Do you want to place a hold?
• All of the books on your summer reading list are checked out right now.
• You need to sign in on the reservation computer.
• Don't hit your sister!
• Did that 8-year-old just give me the finger?
• Can we find quotations about chocolate?
• Sorry, all copies of Breaking Dawn are checked out. Do you want to place a hold?
• No, you can't use my cell phone.
• You can't bring your gecko into the library. Even if it's dead. Why are you carrying a dead gecko around...?
• The local alternative school assigned 200 students to read A Child Called It.
• You need to sign in on the reservation computer.
• Sorry, all copies of Breaking Dawn are checked out. Do you want to place a hold?
• Cecily Von Ziegesar
• Don't hit your cousin!
• No, nobody turned in your ipod. I'll check the lost and found.
• Press 9 to dial out
• Sorry, all copies of Breaking Dawn are checked out. Do you want to place a hold?
• Get out of that website!
• No, you can't practice your step routine in here.
• A parent wants "age appropriate" urban fiction...for her 9 year old.
• Stephenie Meyer...but all copies of Breaking Dawn are checked out. Yes, I'm sure. No, I don't need to check the catalog. No, we don't have any "in the back." Yes, I'm sure. Would you like to place a hold?

Sister's Keeper

A conversation from yesterday....

Girl (to friends): My mom said I can smack my sister if she's not good. See, watch! (Reaches to hit younger sister)
Me: You can't hit people in the library.
Girl: I can hit my sister! My mom said I can!
Me: You're not allowed to hit anyone in the library, even your sister. If you do, I'll have to ask you to leave.
Girl: Fine! I'ma tell my mom you tryin to get me to disobey her. (Walks away, muttering).

And a conversation from today....
Mother: You the woman who told my daughter she don't have to obey me?
Me: Excuse me?
Mother: Yesterday you told my daughter she can't hit her sister. Well, I told her she can! You gonna kick her out for obeying me?
Me: Ma'am, it's against the rules for anyone to hit someone else in the library. (I pull out our written rules and show her where it says that any violent behavior will not be tolerated).
Mother: Fine! I'ma have her go outside if she has to hit her sister.
Mother storms away.
I drop my head and bang it against the desk.

All that Jazz

Crikey! I just opened mine eyes, and lo! I have not updated this since long before Shakespeare wast a boy. You would not believe that my hands were chopped off and I was waiting for bionic ones. I prostrate myself in sorrow and beg thy forgiveness.

I am totally and utterly flat out with learning to play lawn bowls, homeschooling five children, just generally being asleep, dreaming and chancing to the locals, my day is filled with fluorescent light from the second I am woken by murderous Teletubbies to well after sun-down. I am not being a whinging Pom or anything. it will be fun fun fun till they take my TBird away.

I swear on the bones of my ancestors I will update you with my nefarious activities as soon as I get a chance. You have my word! Don't hold your breath though, you're likely to turn blue...

The lazy blogger's post generator is one of the most fun things I've ever encountered. Strangely enough, my hands weren't actually chopped off - it's simply been ridiculously quiet in the teen department, and I don't have anything to snark on. If anyone has any ideas for topics, let me know - my inspiration seems to have temporarily run dry.

A Little Gossip

It has been very, very quiet in the teen department lately. We usually slow down for a few weeks in March, but it picks up again in the beginning of April. Thus far, it hasn't picked up again. People are being quiet, polite, and friendly, all of which are enjoyable at work but don't really make it easy to snark.

Prior to our quiet time, I was receiving a lot of those special threats and annoying statements that library patrons are so good at. I've also had quite a few of those questions that prove that the statement "There are no stupid questions - just stupid people" is absolutely true. I believe I've mentioned before that one of the hardest parts of my job is keeping my mouth shut and not letting my sarcastic answers out. Luckily, I can let them all out here.

My favorites:

The patron: "Do you have any books?"
What I want to say: "No - all of those things on the shelves around you are just props."

The patron: "I'm going to tell my mom/dad/grandma on you!"
What I want to say: "Awesome! I'd love to talk to them about how you make out with your girlfriend in the bathroom."

The patron: "I pay your salary!"
What I want to say: "Actually, our library gets less than 50% of our funding through tax money, and of that, your personal tax dollars probably account for about 12 cents. I'll happily refund your 12 cents if you shut the hell up and go away.

The patron: "No wonder nobody comes here!"
What I want to say: "So the 45 people in the teen department are all figments of my imagination?"

The patron: "I'm never coming back!"
When they say it: When they're getting escorted out for misbehaving.
What I want to say: So...I'll see you tomorrow, then?

The Only Difference Between Martyrdom and Suicide is Press Coverage

A post over at the Annoyed Librarian about the upcoming book of Free for All: Oddballs, Geeks and Gangstas in the Public Library sparked a great set of comments here. Before I continue, I just have to say that I love the Annoyed Librarian. I love her writing style, and I agree with many (not all - I'm still thinking through the big discussion that's taken place over there about the purpose of the library) of her positions regarding the ALA and the library universe. As with most of the blogs I read, it's possible that I actually enjoy reading the comments even more than the entries themselves. This is probably because the Annoyed Librarian is intelligent and well-written, but several of the comments....aren't. Which leads me back to the point of this post. One of the commenters over at AL stated: "However, if your kids weren't in the public library, where would they be? In their violent public schools? In dangerous mass transit? Trolling a mall (unsupervised)? At least we provide some protection against perverts and criminals."

Really? Really? I knew librarians weren't necessarily the best at PR, but come on. That's the best you can come up with? My brain translates that statement "Yes, the library is crappy. But hey, at least we're LESS CRAPPY than the Metro or the mall!"

So I started thinking - what other fun ways can we advertise the library? I'd like to propose making posters and billboards that say things like:

Come to the library! It's better than....
....Supermax prison
....having a cat scratch your eye
....getting food poisoning
....hanging out with the crack heads down by the river
....Wal-Mart on Black Friday
....the middle school cafeteria on chili day
....churches where you have to handle live rattlesnakes
....the bathroom on a Greyhound
....Guantanamo Bay

I'm sure I could continue, but I won't. Anybody else have any ideas?

All the Small Things

Over the past week or so, my department has been going on one of our semi-annual binges where we clean and organize everything in the office. J, my fabulous assistant, actually does a lot of cleaning and organizing on a regular basis, but every few months she goes through the dozens of boxes that we have in the office, puts all of the craft supplies, prizes, random papers, leftover books, and assorted junk into some type of logical order, and labels everything. During her mad cleaning spree this time, J discovered that for some unknown reason, we have no fewer than 5 "lost and found" boxes, including one that was clearly left from last winter (it contains coats and gloves). We've been having a lot of fun digging through them.

My staff members are often surprised by the things that they find in the lost and found box, asking themselves how our customers can be so careless. I am also surprised by the bizarre things that wind up in the box, but for two reasons. Although you'd think I would be immune to the carelessness of teens, I still do not understand how one forgets a winter coat when it's below freezing, a single shoe, or an ipod. The second reason I am surprised is that in order for something to get in the lost and found box, a member of my staff has to pick it up, put a label with the date on it, carry it into the office, and put it in the designated area.

What we've found so far....

Several textbooks.
A single shoe.
Several pieces of jewelry.
3 winter coats.
A pair of pantyhose.
The aforementioned ipod.
A rose made from duct tape (this one is pretty cool, actually, and I'm going to keep it on my desk).
A garage door opener.
Several sets of keys.
A cat teaser.
Half a pack of gum.
2 cell phones.
Various types of sporting equipment.
A switchblade.
An opened bar of soap.
A bikini top.
$52 in cash.
Several uncashed paychecks.

We still have three boxes to go, so I'm sure there will be more random objects as the week continues.

Anything But Ordinary

Every fall, we do library card drives with local middle and high schools. Making library cards makes me feel incredibly old, as I'm forced to realize that people who were born the year I graduated from high school are now in middle school or high school themselves. Besides the constant feeling that I'm ancient, though, the thing that most sticks with me about making library cards is that so many of the kids have names that really make me wonder what their parents were thinking. In addition to the "creative" spellings that have almost become common (Crystal/Krystle/Kristal or (Jenifer/Jenniffer/Genniffer), names seem to fall into a few broad categories. To quote Dave Barry - I'm not making these up.

Cars and Other Brand Names
Lexus, Corvette, Ford, Celica, Porsche, Jetta, Chardonnay, Bacardi, Chanel

Places
Vegas, America/Amerika, Ireland,

"Unique" Names That Aren't
There are at least 3 people with each of these names who have library cards in our system
Unique, Princess, Queen, Charisma, Special, King, Divine

Bad Role Models
Judas, Adolf, Charlie Manson, Salome

Stripper Names
Bambi, Sugar, Kitty Kat, Bunny, Princess, Sassy, Peaches

Why Do Their Parents Hate Them?
Sugar and Candy Kane, Dick Stroker, Max Dick, Chlamydia, Harry Cox, Harry Beaver,

Techno Syndrome

Woeful from @ the library posted this today, and I've also seen it on myspace, so I decided to play along rather than finish any of the four half-done posts I have saved. My musical tastes are very schizophrenic, so I figured the results would be funny.


SHUFFLE YOUR iTUNES ONCE FOR EACH QUESTION AND RESPOND WITH THE CORRESPONDING SONG AND DON’T CHEAT, IT'S VERY ENTERTAINING, BITCHES!

1. Are you a male or female?
Imagine - John Lennon

2. Describe yourself:
Pity the Child - Chess (Original Cast Recording)

3. How do you feel about yourself?
How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria - Sound of Music (Original Cast Recording)

4. Describe your ex boyfriend / girlfriend:
For Good - Wicked (Original Cast Recording)

5. Describe your current boyfriend/girlfriend:
Splish Splash - Big Bopper

6. Describe your current location:
Paintings in My Mind - Tommy Page

7. Describe what you want to be:
Wings Tattered, Fallen - Black Tape for a Blue Girl

8. Describe your best friend:
Under the Sea - Little Mermaid (Original Cast Recording)

9.) Your favorite color is:
High Enough - Damn Yankees

10.) You know that:
Daniel - Elton John

11.) What is the weather like?
Light My Candle - RENT (Original Cast Recording)

12.) If your life was a television show, what would it be called?
Hang the Bastard - Cannibal! The Musical (Original Cast Recording)

13.) What is life to you?
Fascination Street - The Cure

14.) What is the best advice you have to give?
Son of Preacher Man - Dusty Springfield

15.) If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
Romanticide - Nightwish

16.) What will you repost this as?
Techno Syndrome - Mortal Kombat

Eight Random Things

A few days ago, Woeful from @ the Library tagged me with the "random things" meme. So, here are eight random things about me.

1) I am currently watching "Dirty Dancing." My mother wouldn't let me see it when it first came out because it was PG-13 and I was only 10. When I watch it, I always have a slight thrill like I'm somehow getting something over on my mother.

2) I think the world would be a better place if people occasionally broke into synchronized dance routines or musical numbers.

3) On our first date, the man who is now my husband kicked my ass at Scrabble.

4) My cat snores loudly enough to wake me up.

5) New Orleans is my favorite city, and I would live there if I could even though it's hot, corrupt, and could sink into the Gulf of Mexico at any time.

6) I watch "Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle" two or three times per week.

7) I have a recurring dream where I'm trying to find something in a maze.

8) I have a strange obsession with helper monkeys.

I don't really know any other bloggers well enough to officially tag them, so if you want to play, consider yourself tagged!