A Little Gossip

It has been very, very quiet in the teen department lately. We usually slow down for a few weeks in March, but it picks up again in the beginning of April. Thus far, it hasn't picked up again. People are being quiet, polite, and friendly, all of which are enjoyable at work but don't really make it easy to snark.

Prior to our quiet time, I was receiving a lot of those special threats and annoying statements that library patrons are so good at. I've also had quite a few of those questions that prove that the statement "There are no stupid questions - just stupid people" is absolutely true. I believe I've mentioned before that one of the hardest parts of my job is keeping my mouth shut and not letting my sarcastic answers out. Luckily, I can let them all out here.

My favorites:

The patron: "Do you have any books?"
What I want to say: "No - all of those things on the shelves around you are just props."

The patron: "I'm going to tell my mom/dad/grandma on you!"
What I want to say: "Awesome! I'd love to talk to them about how you make out with your girlfriend in the bathroom."

The patron: "I pay your salary!"
What I want to say: "Actually, our library gets less than 50% of our funding through tax money, and of that, your personal tax dollars probably account for about 12 cents. I'll happily refund your 12 cents if you shut the hell up and go away.

The patron: "No wonder nobody comes here!"
What I want to say: "So the 45 people in the teen department are all figments of my imagination?"

The patron: "I'm never coming back!"
When they say it: When they're getting escorted out for misbehaving.
What I want to say: So...I'll see you tomorrow, then?

Questions from Parents

I actually do enjoy talking to the parents of teens. Many of the teens who come in to the library appear to have been raised by wolves, so it’s nice when a parent is interested and involved in their teen's life. However, some of their questions can be, well…..

“I want a book for my fifteen-year-old. It should be teen book, but without sex or violence, and the kid should get along with her parents.”

“Can you make sure my daughter doesn’t talk to any boys?”

"Why did my son get kicked out? He only hit his sister!"
"Hitting people is not allowed in the library."
"But it was only his sister!"

“I need a book with no conflict.”

“Are there any Harry Potter books without magic?”

“I don’t mind fantasy in books, but I don’t like evil. Do you understand the difference?”

"My son was here for three hours yesterday. Tell me everything he did and everyone he talked to.”

“Do you have any adult movies?”
“Yes, they’re up on the first fl-"
“No, I mean, you know, adult movies. Like, in a different section?”

Overheard Conversations

When I'm working at the desk in the teen area, or in my office with the door open, I often hear teens carrying out "private" conversations. I put private in quotes because these conversations are often carried out at the level of a shout, despite the fact that other people are less than two feet away. Some of my favorite conversations from yesterday....

Guy to Girl: Let's go somewhere else. All these books make me feel dumb.
Girl to Guy: Ain't the books that make you seem dumb.
Guy: What's that mean?
Girl: You dumb!

Girl on Cellphone: Girl, if that rat's still in my house when I get home I'm letting the cat have it. **pause** I don't care if it's your pet, get rid of it!

Guy to Girl: Why you gotta be so mean? You know I love you!
Girl: Dude, you're my cousin.

My personal favorite overheard conversation EVER. First, a bit of background. We often have spontaneous craft days in the teen area when it's particularly busy or when the teens seem especially bored. One of the favorite activities is bead jewelry making. We put out stretchy cord and a variety of beads and let them have at it - some of them are amazingly talented and make beautiful pieces; others make things that are less attractive but everyone has fun.

During one of these events, a group of regulars sat down. These kids are between the ages of 13 and 14 and desperately want everyone to believe that they're gangstas. Real gangstas laugh at them, so they spend their time talking tough in the library.

Since they spend so much time trying to act tough, it was something of a surprise to see them happily making bracelets with hemp and alphabet beads. The ringleader of the group approached his friends, and the following conversation took place:

Ringleader: C'mon, yo. Let's go!
Beading Guy: Just a minute, I gotta finish this.
Ringleader: Man, what are you doing? You makin a bracelet?
Beading Guy: Yeah. Wanna make one?
Ringleader: Man, that's not gangsta!
Beading Guy: It's fun.
Second Beading Guy: Yeah, sit down and make something.
Ringleader: That's not gangsta, yo! Come on!
His friends ignore him
Ringleader: How we gonna be gangsta if you be makin a bracelet, yo?
Snarky Librarian (Chokes hysterical laughter into a cough)
Ringleader (sitting down): They got any purple?

I Don't Know the Year I Was Born!

I love it when teens try to scam me, mostly because they're almost always incredibly bad at it, but they think they're the most clever and intelligent person ever. Tonight was apparently the night for attempted scams, as I had several enjoyable moments.

A young man came in and asked to use a computer. When we looked him up in our circulation computer, we discovered that he was only 11. Kids need to be 13 to use the teen area, so we told him to go to the Children's Department. I then had the following conversation with the kid.

"I'm thirteen!"
"According to your computer record, you're only eleven. When's your birthday?"
"August something, 1994"
"Well, that would make you twelve, not thirteen."
"No! 2007 minus 1994 makes 13. I'm thirteen."
"You'll be 13 in August if you were born in 1994."
"Oh - I meant I was born in 1995. I mean 1993. No, wait!"
He didn't get a computer.

I had another kid swear to me that he had already paid his fines, a girl who tried to convince me that she was her sister (despite the fact that her sister is a volunteer, and thus very well known to me), and a boy who told me that his mother was an invalid and couldn't come in to sign the paper to get him internet permission. This was my favorite, as approximately 2 minutes later his "invalid" mother appeared behind him and said "Boy, I told you you wasn't getting no Internet, so stop lyin' to the lady!" before dragging him away.

I managed to not laugh until I had reached my office, which I think really deserves some kind of prize.