Consider Yourself

So apparently Wednesday was "Work Like a Patron Day." I thought this was such a good idea that I spent the day...

Chowing down on food at the computers
Chasing the other staff members around
Fighting over the comfy chairs
Arguing with friends and strangers
Randomly turning off computers
Tossing magazines on the floor
Yelling and swearing

Best day I've had in years.

A Day in the Life

From a 3-hour shift on the desk yesterday...

• Sorry, all copies of Breaking Dawn are checked out. Do you want to place a hold?
• Please don't bounce the basketball in here.
• We're out of pencils again.
• First library card for a 13-year-old.
• Sorry, all copies of Breaking Dawn are checked out. Do you want to place a hold?
• All of the books on your summer reading list are checked out right now.
• You need to sign in on the reservation computer.
• Don't hit your sister!
• Did that 8-year-old just give me the finger?
• Can we find quotations about chocolate?
• Sorry, all copies of Breaking Dawn are checked out. Do you want to place a hold?
• No, you can't use my cell phone.
• You can't bring your gecko into the library. Even if it's dead. Why are you carrying a dead gecko around...?
• The local alternative school assigned 200 students to read A Child Called It.
• You need to sign in on the reservation computer.
• Sorry, all copies of Breaking Dawn are checked out. Do you want to place a hold?
• Cecily Von Ziegesar
• Don't hit your cousin!
• No, nobody turned in your ipod. I'll check the lost and found.
• Press 9 to dial out
• Sorry, all copies of Breaking Dawn are checked out. Do you want to place a hold?
• Get out of that website!
• No, you can't practice your step routine in here.
• A parent wants "age appropriate" urban fiction...for her 9 year old.
• Stephenie Meyer...but all copies of Breaking Dawn are checked out. Yes, I'm sure. No, I don't need to check the catalog. No, we don't have any "in the back." Yes, I'm sure. Would you like to place a hold?

Sister's Keeper

A conversation from yesterday....

Girl (to friends): My mom said I can smack my sister if she's not good. See, watch! (Reaches to hit younger sister)
Me: You can't hit people in the library.
Girl: I can hit my sister! My mom said I can!
Me: You're not allowed to hit anyone in the library, even your sister. If you do, I'll have to ask you to leave.
Girl: Fine! I'ma tell my mom you tryin to get me to disobey her. (Walks away, muttering).

And a conversation from today....
Mother: You the woman who told my daughter she don't have to obey me?
Me: Excuse me?
Mother: Yesterday you told my daughter she can't hit her sister. Well, I told her she can! You gonna kick her out for obeying me?
Me: Ma'am, it's against the rules for anyone to hit someone else in the library. (I pull out our written rules and show her where it says that any violent behavior will not be tolerated).
Mother: Fine! I'ma have her go outside if she has to hit her sister.
Mother storms away.
I drop my head and bang it against the desk.

All that Jazz

Crikey! I just opened mine eyes, and lo! I have not updated this since long before Shakespeare wast a boy. You would not believe that my hands were chopped off and I was waiting for bionic ones. I prostrate myself in sorrow and beg thy forgiveness.

I am totally and utterly flat out with learning to play lawn bowls, homeschooling five children, just generally being asleep, dreaming and chancing to the locals, my day is filled with fluorescent light from the second I am woken by murderous Teletubbies to well after sun-down. I am not being a whinging Pom or anything. it will be fun fun fun till they take my TBird away.

I swear on the bones of my ancestors I will update you with my nefarious activities as soon as I get a chance. You have my word! Don't hold your breath though, you're likely to turn blue...

The lazy blogger's post generator is one of the most fun things I've ever encountered. Strangely enough, my hands weren't actually chopped off - it's simply been ridiculously quiet in the teen department, and I don't have anything to snark on. If anyone has any ideas for topics, let me know - my inspiration seems to have temporarily run dry.

A Little Gossip

It has been very, very quiet in the teen department lately. We usually slow down for a few weeks in March, but it picks up again in the beginning of April. Thus far, it hasn't picked up again. People are being quiet, polite, and friendly, all of which are enjoyable at work but don't really make it easy to snark.

Prior to our quiet time, I was receiving a lot of those special threats and annoying statements that library patrons are so good at. I've also had quite a few of those questions that prove that the statement "There are no stupid questions - just stupid people" is absolutely true. I believe I've mentioned before that one of the hardest parts of my job is keeping my mouth shut and not letting my sarcastic answers out. Luckily, I can let them all out here.

My favorites:

The patron: "Do you have any books?"
What I want to say: "No - all of those things on the shelves around you are just props."

The patron: "I'm going to tell my mom/dad/grandma on you!"
What I want to say: "Awesome! I'd love to talk to them about how you make out with your girlfriend in the bathroom."

The patron: "I pay your salary!"
What I want to say: "Actually, our library gets less than 50% of our funding through tax money, and of that, your personal tax dollars probably account for about 12 cents. I'll happily refund your 12 cents if you shut the hell up and go away.

The patron: "No wonder nobody comes here!"
What I want to say: "So the 45 people in the teen department are all figments of my imagination?"

The patron: "I'm never coming back!"
When they say it: When they're getting escorted out for misbehaving.
What I want to say: So...I'll see you tomorrow, then?